Welcome to Florida! (enjoy the weather)

Welcome to Florida, Republicans except for Todd Akin. We hope you have all the Sunshine State has to offer.

We know many of you are concerned about the hurricane. I thought I would put this little primer for the visitors, the sort of thing than can ease your worst fears and let you know your worst nightmares are not simply imagined.

You may have noticed I just called Isaac a hurricane. Some of the weather reports you are watching simply call it a tropical storm, but don't believe the liberal media. It will be a hurricane soon and you may as well just accept it. This storm is going to be a monster hurricane ready to destroy your festivities this weekend. I hope you kissed your loved ones goodbye before getting on that plane to Florida.

The first thing to explain is that "cone of uncertainty," which of course means that the only thing certain for you is death. Why else would they call it that? The thing is, once that line includes the city where you are, it's pretty much a guarantee you will die. Trust us. We've lived through quite a few hurricanes so we know.

But don't panic. If there is one thing Florida knows how to do, it is to properly bury people. We set aside enormous amounts of land as cemetery space in anticipation of just this type of thing.

So what can you do? I recommend breathless tuning in to news reports every other hour so you can get NOAA updates as soon as they come out. It won't save you, but at least you know how much time you have left. The thing to keep an eye on is the Category grade for the storm. Sadly for all of us, this storm is graded as a Cat 1 right now. As you know, there is no higher place than first, so we are pretty much doomed. To put things in perspective, Katrina was merely a Cat 5, so blow up those swim floaties and get ready for some looting (for the one-percenters, read 'to be looted').

But take some comfort in the fact that as attendees at the convention, you will be in the convention center. Now the locals will flee to the designated shelters in local schools, but you have even better digs. You are in an arena, and we know from those glorious Bush administration hey days that such arenas are the safest place to be in a situation like this.

Once the storm passes, though, recovery will be a smooth process—for the survivors. Florida has a pretty good track record for responding to disasters. We put the sort of business regulations in place that conservatives love so much, we bring to term the large number of embryos suddenly conceived in the storm blackouts, and we rely on the federal government to FEMA out way back to prosperity.

Sure, there have occasionally been times when hurricane recovery went poorly (I'm sure I can think of an example if I try hard enough), but that really depends on what administration is in the White House. We have Democrats there right now, and I am sure they will rescue you with the same enthusiasm with which a Republican administration would restore quality of life in a flooded metropolis full of left-leaning minorities.

So have fun with that.

Oh, by the way, you may want to get a living will in order. You wouldn't want to be caught in a vegetative state in Florida without your intentions written out. Crazy things have happened. Just sayin'.